Turning 33: The Good, The Bad, The Okay
Welcome to a routine post on my blog – with a format of outlining the good, bad and the okay from the past year also becoming routine!
So! 33 – I am inching towards middle-age, or at least, mid-thirties which sounds so serious and so formal. And then there’s me, booking tickets for Moana 2 the minute they go on sale. In all honesty, I am starting to appreciate these posts because the older you get, the more quickly a year seems to pass (you know, the whole subjectivity of time – a year for a 7-year-old vs a 37-year-old and all that). And so, when I decide to write such a post, I always wonder, “What am I going to say anyway? It’s only been a year.” Then I open a Word document, and my fingers RACE across my keyboard, putting thoughts I didn’t even know I had into articulate sentences.
Now, let’s get the bad out of the way first, shall we?
The Bad
Your girl has celiac. I was diagnosed earlier this year. I thought I had magically developed a gluten intolerance the minute I turned 30, but it turns out my immune system had broken down. And I ignored it. For almost three years. While the actual treatment option was something I’ve more or less lived by (don’t even breathe in the direction of wheat, barley, etc., and check your vitamin levels) during these past three years, the finality of the diagnosis has been a little difficult to digest. Ha. I had a meltdown in Spain trying to find a gluten-free version of a chickpea and spinach dish that’s native to the country. I just couldn't believe this was something that’s happened to me. I’ll never try almond croissants in Paris, something I’ve dreamed of. And I feel it’s harder as an adult because I remember what EVERYTHING tastes like. And now I have a whole life ahead of me trying to ask restaurants and grocery stores for gluten-free options. Singapore is a little behind compared to White countries on the gluten-free front, which is understandable, and gluten-free options are definitely more expensive, but hey, it is what it is. There are bigger problems in the world. It’s just the stress of hospital visits, medical tests, and all the waiting around for over two months that makes it feel like this is the worst thing right now.
The Okay
Post diagnosis, we found out celiac had completely wiped my nutritional profile. I was so low in everything it’s literally a medical miracle I was functioning. And through that, something else became abundantly clear: if my celiac had been left untreated, or if I had gotten there without a celiac diagnosis, there was no way I could have carried a child – yes, the notion of motherhood and my eggs continues to run through my mind ever so often. But, here’s the thing. Compared to 32-year-old me, I’m now a little less upset about it. That and the idea that I may never find a significant other. I’m getting okay with these things. I’ve made my peace with “right person over right time”, and I’m firm about not bringing a child into this world with the wrong person. I just don’t think I’m a failure on this front the way I worried I might last year. It’s bittersweet, and I definitely need to remove a few more default wirings in my brain to get my perspective on this aspect of my life to “good”. But for now, it’s okay.
The Good
The biggest highlight about turning 33? I’m turning 33 as an AUTHOR! 32-year-old me went into the year ahead kind of blindly, with cautious doses of optimism. At some during that year, she decided she was going to self-publish and did it. I have a book for sale. A BOOK. That’s insane. My lifelong dreams and goals is now a reality. I mean, come on. And I feel closer to my identity now. The dissonance between my 9 to 5 and what I wish to do is lesser now. I’m doing both.
A part of me feeling closer to my identity, more secure in myself, and thinking I’m of worth also comes from me getting closer, or rather, getting back in touch with my spiritual side. Up until abouttt six years ago, I always described myself as the luckiest person in the world. I felt like some unseen force always protected me, opportunities fell into my lap out of nowhere, I would try my 100% at something and I would be rewarded at the level of someone who had put in their 200%. Spirituality was a big part of my identity. And then overnight, it felt like it all just left me. Prayers felt unanswered. Even the smallest things seemed to demand extreme efforts. And I felt…completely alone. But of late, I’m starting to see signs of my life from about six years ago, when things felt smoother, I knew there was someone out there looking out for me, and when my perspective towards life in general was one of gratitude and optimism. Getting back here again is somewhat emotional because like I said, my spirituality matters to me. I’ve also learned A LOT of significant lessons over the past six years, such as how I conduct myself in relationships, what matters to me in life (which will always evolve, but at least the core values you have as a person), and understanding how to balance my naïve optimism against the harsh reality of the world. I also believe that sometimes you’re subjected to the same trials (my life mostly felt like a repeat of the same day these past few years) because you’ve not learned your lesson so I’m taking this as a sign that I’m levelling up in my life (omg guys, my phone just pinged as I typed that!) Anyway, I’m very appreciative of this inner peace and security I have now and I hope this is not just something that’s part of my 33rd year, but beyond.
I am also so grateful that about 10 years ago, I decided to go for it and invested in insurance for private healthcare. I’m grateful for myself for having made that financial decision, and for working jobs that can support that decision, because I did not have to worry about costs for a minute during my health challenges. I think in general, we tend to look at our younger selves with nostalgia (“remember how carefree I used to be”), or in mock shame (“ugh, I can’t believe I used to have a crush on that guy), but maybe we should give our younger selves credit too because sometimes, blind, somewhat rash decisions, literally pay off. Everything about you makes you who you are today. And I’m grateful for 23-year-old Thendral. I can’t wait to see what 40-something-year-old-me would be grateful for, for 33-year-old-me. Maybe she will be booking tickets for Moana 3 then?
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